milestones. tragedy. hope.

the problem: why are the milestones of passing time anticipated and celebrated with such excitement? new years, birthdays, anniversaries. all of them celebrated with champagne and close friends. the mere thought of having already had so many miles of this road called life, pass me by breaks my heart. so many days have been wasted on me. i who think of nothing but my own satisfaction. eagerly lusting after the world.

the hope: each day i have a blank page. a story that has not yet been written. a story that will be written no matter what. a story that will take whatever twists and turns i am willing to write into it. a story which numerous chapters have already been written; whether they add or take away from it i have yet to find out. a story where the climax is of no more interest to my audience of one, than every other word written. a story in which i am the main character but also a story which revolves around something bigger than me. a story where the end defines every aspect of the individual portrayed. a story which is not a hip, relevant, culturally acceptable, new-age theory, or theology. you cannot put down this story a whim.

the conclusion: so, perhaps we only laugh to keep from crying. perhaps we celebrate the passing of time so that we aren't required to ponder what is truly at stake. i want the people who read my story to be inspired, encouraged and filled with hope.

tis the season...

Call me a romantic, but I love Christmas time. The scent of a fresh tree in the house, the glint of holiday lights, tinsel keeping in step with the dancing air, a mug full of hot chocolate, how stars seem to shine just a bit brighter when it's cold out, rosey cheeks, ice skating, memories of the past, Hope for the future. Such a sweet time. anyway....tis the season.

hand picked questions...

New Years is fresh on my mind, even though we're just rounding the corner of december. january brings with it a sense of freshness, too, I think... of celebrating with friends... of starting another year to ponder and learn more about what loving one another means...we are all on different journeys, with different backgrounds, different struggles, hopes, different points of view. In my opinion, this is to be respected, listened to (even if we don't see eye to eye on all points), and dialogued in kindness.

Why are we eager to criticize one another?

Truly, what does this accomplish?

If we are to be known by our love, why do we so easily pounce on one another?

What would happen if we listened more, and assumed less?

What could happen if we chose to respectfully engage instead of immediatley drawing our own conclusions?

How much could we break down common walls if we gave the other the benefit of the doubt?

I wonder what would happen if we contemplated the beauty (not the danger) of differences, the vibrancy of living outside our own comfort zones...the true meaning of love & respect...
I've been guilty of this, as well, and count myself in these questions as I type them.

as we all journey on...love love love.

I AM THE PROBLEM

I was recently asked by a close friend of mine to go to Seattle and protest against abortion. My first reaction was to say no. This wasn’t because I agree with abortion. Now that I mention it, I’m actually not sure why I said no. It just seemed like the right thing to say. But since then I’ve decided that we cannot stop these issues of social justice by simply picketing….it starts with us admitting that we are the problem. How can we expect change to take place in such a drastic way if we don’t see and change the problems in ourselves? So I got to thinking even more about social justice issues such as abortion or poverty and asked myself the question why? Why do we fight for these things?? Is it truly to free these people of the chains that bind them? Or is it simply so that we feel good about ourselves or to be perceived as socially active people? Deep down we want to make change happen….we want to see miracles. Our pride and interest in ourselves is what keeps us from it. Anyways….just some thoughts….food for thought.

the rat race

your physical body is in a specific place and time but your treasure is somewhere else. but sometime the "nowness" of here starts pulling at your heart, away from eternal rewards. for a moment, the flashlight in your eyes looks brighter than the sun. for the moment... i don't think these grand strokes of bad decision making are ever that simple or noticeable in the moment. no, it's always by degrees. 

i know all about the momentary little sacrifices of self that are offered up to the momentary little gods. and little by little, you're like the ancient face of a cliff, eaten away by the sea. it never happens all at once. but one day you wake up and you come to the startling conclusion that a huge chunk of you has disappeared. given away- to time, chance, a momentary thrill, a small concession in the daily flight from pain... and yet pain finds you still. yes. this is true: the shoreline of you looks different now... wave after wave... wave after wave... 

and then I almost feel like giving up- maybe sometimes we're supposed to back away from the shore. but I don't think that's a sure fix either. the rain, the sun, the wind. we're falling apart. we're giving ourselves away. we're being eaten alive... pieces of us, significant ideals and dreams, now reduced to dust and ash drifting away. washing away. In every moment there's always the option to run from the momentary pain. momentary little alters to momentary little gods. 

but maybe that's just what we've been given: a life to give away. time. meaning. love. we lay these, our gifts on the alters of our choosing. memories, knowledge, wealth, friends, scars- these are what we accumulate. but these do not come cheap: these possessions will cost us our very lives. we lose ourselves whether we like it or not. this is not a choice.

yeah, I suppose even divine love is like that, erosion. washing over us like the rain or the sun or the shore. but to compare the two is absurd. one is life the other is death. but it takes time to tell them apart- i can usually tell which is which a few weeks down the line. the creator's love is creating, additive, purposeful. i feel more complete, more whole, more at home in him. make no mistake, he takes things away, and it hurts like heck. it sometimes hurts worse than the other sort of pain, the numb deadening sort. maybe partly because your more alive, more aware. or maybe because you're in the hands of a friend. 

but I suppose thats the difference between the doctor and the dealer: one is the touch of a sculptor one is the glove of a thief. i'm sure we've all felt pain come from both ways. but I guess what I'm saying, is that when I think about all of this from the freeway, when i think about the transcendent story that I'm a part of, i can rise above it. i can see my place. the pain has meaning. and no one can take that from me. i guess, these are the moments when time slows down to pause... when I can offer a little sacrifice to the God who transcends the pain. a peace of myself, to the infinite giver of everything. and then, after this momentary breath i find i'm still stuck in my situation. no fireworks. no burning bush. nothing that unusual just a brief moment of peace and truth shot. it becomes a gift to me. a dagger stuck into the very heart of the lie that i become all too often.

it's those moments of rest that separate us from the rat race. in other words it's not what I frantically do but rather what i don't frantically do that distinguishes me from a rodent. sometimes, (when I have my head on straight) I feel sorry for the rats. and then other times, (when I'm upside down) I'm just trying to win. but running away from the race itself feels like a cop-out, like the same thing as running with the rats. still running. still running. I guess it depends on what's driving you. fear and pain. or love and truth.

P.S. this was inspired by a man. these aren't my ideas. there is nothing new under the sun...its just me applying his wisdom to my life....

heavy on my mind

hello friend.
me, you and my thoughts have been parted for too long................
the question of why i want music has been heavy on my mind for quite some time now...is it self-serving? is it my desire or God's desire? is it beneficial to mine and others eternal life??? all of these questions have been rolling around in my head, and this is what i've come up with...
My goal for creating my own music is this....for it to feel kind of voyeuristic at times, like looking at things that i dont want to see. songs like these have got to get out there. That which is hidden is empowered. So let my songs be the enemy of all that is a shadow in my life, let these songs be my hymns to a generous God, the father of lights. Let these hymns be the enemy of the counterfeit. this is the cry of my heart.
so, you tell me.

i am well aware...

as a human i have become well aware of the fact that i will forever be misunderstood and that i will forever misunderstand others...probably you in fact. so forgive me in advance. this is not to say that my actions based on my understanding [or should i say misunderstanding] should be excused, not by any means. what it does mean though is that i am aware of one of my many weaknesses. This one, unfourtunately is inevitable. well its late now and my mind is wandering so i'll either come back to this thought or who knows...it could be the end of it. if i were really lucky it would be one of those thoughts that could have changed the world if it had ever gotten finnished. wouldnt that be inspiring to find out after you were taken away into eternity that an idea (not of my own, for it is often forgotten that there is NOTHING new under the sun and that every idea is inspired by another idea and usually mimicks it quite a lot) that you took the time to type out could have changed the world if i'd ever been completed either on paper or in your mind, which would consequently run over into your heart and perhaps cause a life to be changed....my life, your life. are you following me? i'm not sure if i'm even following myself tonight.
love love love